dude. i just got home from seeing rambo. that shit did not disappoint. three things:

1. not only was this maybe the most violent movie i’ve ever seen, i believe that it has raised the bar for cinematic violence. to its credit, it wasn’t all hott machine gun action, as mr stallone was able to work in a subtle homage to road house with some manual windpipe removal that i found to be quite satisfying.
2. i can’t believe that all both members of the myanmar tourist board didn’t do everything in their power to stop the latest rambo installment from ever hitting a projection screen. this movie is pretty much myanmar’s the killing fields, and i needn’t remind you that it took cambodia nearly 20 years to become a tourist powerhouse again after that thing got released.
3. hgh is awesome. i want some. i want to look swollen.

with mia away for a few days, i got right down to business and watched me some ben-hur. mia questions my questionable leisure-time activities, which include running as far as possible and watching 3+ hour epics starring charlton heston as the toughest jew ever.

mia is jewish. mia doesn’t watch jewish epics with me (though is ben-hur a jewish epic? it does have some jesus, but that plot seemed ancillary to me). i am not jewish though i a) am circumcised and b) make the meanest batch of vegan latkes this side of williamsburg (the jewish part, not the hipster part, fuck the hipster part).

i tell her that i watch jewish epics so that i can understand what her people have been through, and if it takes charlton heston to show me that they’ve been through a lot, then awesome. unfortunately, i don’t think she’ll reciprocate by watching clash of the titans because she’s an anti-greekite.

dude, that ben-hur chariot scene was ill. i paid for the whole seat but i only needed the edge. i think i didn’t like charlton heston until i became a gun nut. now i like him. and guns.

i haven’t seen time bandits since i was kinda young, i think. i know i saw it in the theaters in 1981 and it scared the piss out of me as a seven-year-old (i don’t remember that being literal, thankfully). and i may have seen it somewhere in my early teen years. what i didn’t remember was the awesome cast: sean connery (greek hero, scottish accent), john cleese as robin hood, michael palin as vincent, shelley duvall as pansy (heh), mona from who’s the boss as mrs. ogre, and ian holm (he was very magic in the sweet hereafter) as napoleon. wow.

dude, that movie is dark. terry gilliam for kids? the creatures in that movie are incredibly scary. and apocalypse on a small scale is still apocalypse. “mom, dad! it’s evil — don’t touch it!” and then they both die, leaving kevin an orphan. i mean, his parents were total suckass, but holy shit. his time-travel friends go back to work for the supreme being. kevin is alone. frightening!

if you haven’t peeped this thing in years, add it to your queue. you won’t be disappointed.

i just watched bob & carol & ted & alice. i like films as historical documents when the films also hold up as films. i think this one did. that said, i have no idea what to do with it now. i do like me some tense, uncomfortable satire but this one was really rough. i feel worked.

and dude, elliott gould. that guy is always the ILLEST. always.

if i may (possibly mis-)quote hell no:
we are all part shatner, part steve mcqueen
part elliott gould, you know what i mean.

i thought i did. i guess that i didn’t. i do now.